Bicoastal Curious

bicoastal November 13th, 2006

There are different ways of being in the world that can be characterized as “east coast” or “west coast.” I’m not talking about east vs. west, I’m talking about east vs. west coast. In other words:

• Type A vs. Type B
• Left Brain vs. Right Brain
• Jewish vs. Goy
• etc.

The distinction, like sex and econometrics, is better demonstrated than discussed, often better in theory than in practice. Jews have long compiled lists to illustrate the point:

I am Jewish, Harrison Ford is Jewish, The Iron Chef is Jewish.
Kid Rock is Goyish. Kathie Lee is Goyish.
Billy Joel is as Jewish as it gets, Elton John is Goyish.
Yahoo! is so Jewish, as opposed to Excite and Ask Jeeves which are Goyish

George Castanza was Jewish, Seinfeld was Goyish.
Britney is most definitely Jewish, while Christina is as Goy as they come.

Lenny Bruce pioneered the genre:

Dig: I’m Jewish. Count Basie’s Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. Eddie Cantor’s goyish.

B’nai Brith is goyish; Hadassah, Jewish. Marine corps–heavy goyim, dangerous.
Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake’s cakes are goyish. Pumpernickel is Jewish, and, as you know, white bread is very goyish. Instant potatoes–goyish. Black cherry soda’s very Jewish. Macaroons are very Jewish–very Jewish cake. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime jello is goyish. Lime soda is very goyish.

Trailer parks are so goyish that Jews won’t go near them. Jack Paar Show is very goyish.

Underwear is definitely goyish. Balls are goyish. Titties are Jewish. Mouths are Jewish.

All Italians are Jewish. Greeks are goyish–bad sauce.

Here are some more:

• Yale Law School is obviously east coast, but talks the talk of west coasters. In fact, every law school is east coast. English, history, sociology and drama departments are west coast, but art history is east coast.
• Architects are the most bicoastal creatures on earth.
• Walking and talking is east coast, walking slowly is west coast.
• Sunblock is east coast, sunbathing is west coast.
• Wire rimmed spectacles are east coast, oversized sunglasses are west coast.
• Twizzlers are east coast, Red Vines are west coast.
• Alvy Singer is east coast, Max is west coast, Annie Hall was leaning east, but decided on west.

So what? Why raise this distinction? Because the struggle between coasts is often experienced, but rarely acknowledged. Every coastal American is actually bicoastal, even if they won’t admit it to themselves or others. Even the most woolly east coasters occasionally flaunt a pair of flip flops. Even the most chilled out west coasters have cold flashes of east coast anxiety. This is especially true in an age of cheap air travel. The only other bi- that rivals bicoastality is bisexuality, and that dilemma has long been passe. The struggle is internal: “How can I become as east/west as I want to be?” The struggle is external: “What is with these east/west coasters?”
The purpose of this blog is to document and explore the ways and means of the bicoastal being. Among its motivating questions:

• What are the pure forms of an east and west coaster?
• Are there activities that are inherently west or east coast?
• Can an east/west coaster ever transorm into a west/east coaster?
• How to manage one’s inner east/west coaster?
• How does an east coaster typically adapt to the west coast, and vice versa (literally and figuratively)?
• Do east and west coasters attract? If so, what happens when they do?
• Has our culture become more or less east coast over time, or has it become bicoastal?
• Is the west/east coast distinction a permanent feature of human existence, or is it historically contingent?
• etc.

Discuss.

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